Signs You’re a Victim of Identity Theft
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- Your mother no longer complains that you never write or call.
- Every week, boxes of vials and syringes show up at your doorstep — and you’re neither a doctor nor a professional athlete.
- All this spam *must* be for some unknown small-penised imposter.
- Scruffy male prostitutes approach you and you wife in the church parking lot, talking gibberish about “backdoor confessionals” and your “meth tab.” Of *course* someone stole your identity — you’re a PREACHER, for God’s sake!
- In spite of a tireless work ethic and a 100% conviction rate, you’re inexplicably fired by Attorney General Gonzales.
- Suddenly you’ve got subscriptions to both Ebony and Jet. (Michael Richards only)
- Your savings: gone.
Your credit cards: maxed.
Your credit score: 11.
But based their sales records, you’re the Customer of the Year at Robot Babes ‘R’ Us. - “Yeah, that’s an awesome moonwalk, but I’m tellin’ ya: Another white lady already came in and cashed the February royalty check for ‘Billie Jean.’”
- “Take it up with eBay, mister; I’m leaving the goat here.”
- Someone seems to have jeopardized your ‘08 presidential chances by stealing your “Senator from New York” ID and voting to authorize the war on Iraq.
- Three doctors show up at your house to collect the organs you promised to donate when you died.
- Your Amex card disappeared last week, and now your son’s sleepover friend is the only kid in elementary school who owns a Lamborghini and a condo in Maui.
- After you make love to your wife, she says she prefers the other you.
- A faxed copy of your credit report kills so many trees that Al Gore comes to your office and slaps you silly.
- Netflix just shipped you “Slutty Slutty Gang Bang.” Either you’re a victim of identity theft or you’re about to be a victim or spousal abuse.
- “Dear Ms. Hilton, thank you for your recent purchase of ‘Rocket Science for Virgins….’”
- That $400 billion the Pentagon has spent on the war in Iraq just showed up on your VISA statement.
