Fun Blog

1. My wife and I can’t come to the phone right now, but if you’ll leave your name and number, we’ll get back to you as soon as we’re finished.

2. A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we’re not here. So, leave a message.

3. Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn’t lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don’t worry, I have plenty of money.

4. Hi. Now you say something.

5. Hi, I’m not home right now, but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.

6. Hello. I am David’s answering machine. What are you?

7. Hello! If you leave a message, I’ll call you soon. If you leave a “sexy” message, I’ll call sooner!

8. Hi! John’s answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I’ll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

9. Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you’re still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.

10. This is not an answering machine. This is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your number and your reason for calling, and I’ll think about returning your call.

11. Hi. I’m probably home, I’m just avoiding someone I don’t like. Leave me a message, and if I don’t call back, it’s you.

12. Hi, this is George. I’m sorry I can’t answer the phone right now. Leave a message and then wait by your phone until I call you back.

13. If you are a burglar, then we’re probably at home cleaning our weapons right now or carving up a steak for the pit bull and the rottweiller, and can’t come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren’t at home and it’s safe to leave a message.

14. Please leave a message. However, you have the right to, remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.

15. Hello, you’ve reached Paul and Molly. We can’t pick up the phone right now, because we’re doing something we really enjoy. Molly likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right . . . really slowly. So leave a message; and when we’re done brushing our teeth, we’ll get back to you.

John said to Mary, “I’ll bet you ten cents I can kiss you on the lips without touching them.”

“You’re crazy,” said Mary. “That’s impossible. Here’s a dime that says you can’t.”

The two dimes were placed on the mantelpiece and John then enfolded Mary and for ten minutes kissed her passionately, intimately, and moistly.

She broke away at last, panting and disheveled, and said, “You did nothing BUT touch my lips.”

John pushed the dimes toward her and said, “So I lose.”

You wake up face down on the pavement.

You put your bra on backwards and it fits better.

You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold.

You see a ”60 minutes” news team waiting in your office.

Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.

You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party and there aren’t any.

You turn on the news and they’re showing emergency routes out of the city.

Your twin sister forgot your birthday.

You wake up and discover your waterbed broke and then realize that you don’t have a waterbed.

Your car horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hell’s Angels on the freeway.

Your wife wakes up feeling amorous and you have a headache.

Your boss tells you not to bother to take off your coat.

The bird singing outside your window is a buzzard.

You wake up and your braces are locked together.

You walk to work and find your dress is stuck in the back of your pantyhose.

Your blind date turns out to be your ex.

Your paycheck bounces.

You put both contact lenses in the same eye.

Your pet rock snaps at you.

Your wife says, ”Good morning, Bill” and your name is George.