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Accuse your date of espionage.

Ask for crayons to color the placemat. This works very well in fancier venues that use linen tablecloths.

Ask the people at the neighboring table for food from their plates.

Ask your date how much money they have with them.

At dinner, guard your plate with fork and steak knife, so as to give the impression that you’ll stab anyone, including the waiter, who reaches for it.

Auction your date off for silverware.

Beg your date to tattoo your name on their derriere. Keep bringing the subject up.

Bring 20 or so candles you, and during the meal get up and arrange them around the table in a circle. Chant.

Chew with your mouth open, talk with your mouth full and spray crumbs.

Collect the salt shakers from all of the tables in the restaurant, and balance them in a tower on your table.

Communicate in mime the entire evening.

Discuss boils and lesions, as if from personal experience.

Don’t use any verbs during the entire meal.

Eat everything on your plate within 30 seconds of it being placed in front of you.

Excuse yourself to use the restroom. Go back to the head waiter/hostess and ask for another table in a different part of the restaurant. Order another meal. When your date finally finds you, ask him/her “What in the hell took you so long in the restroom?!?”

Feed imaginary friends, or toy dolls you’ve brought along.

Fill your pockets with sugar packets, as well as salt and pepper shakers, silverware, floral arrangements… i.e anything on the table that isn’t bolted down.

Get your date drunk. Talk about their philosophy. Get it on tape, and use good judgement in editing to twist their words around.

Give your claim to fame as being voted “Most Festerous” for your high school yearbook.

Hold a debate. Take both sides.

Howl and whistle at womens’ legs, especially if you are female.

If they are paying, order the most expensive thing on the menu. Take one bite.

Insist that the waiter cuts your food into little pieces. In a similar vein, insist that he take a bite of everything on the plate, to make sure no one poisoned it.

Lick your plate. Offer to lick theirs.

Make funny faces at other patrons, then sneer at their reactions.

Make odd allusions to dangerous religious cults.

Order a baked potato for a side dish. When the waiter brings your food, hide the potato, wait a few minutes, and ask the waiter for the potato you “never got”. When the waiter returns with another potato for you, have the first one back up on the plate. Repeat later in the meal.

Order a bucket of lard.

Order beef tongue. Make lewd comparisons or comments.

Order for your date. Order something nasty.

Order your food by colors and textures. Sculpt.

Pull out a harmonica and play blues songs when your date begins talking about themselves.

Read a newspaper or book during the meal. Ignore your date.

Recite graphic limericks to the people at the table next to you.

Recite your dating history. Improvise. Include pets.

Repeat every third third word you say say.

Sacrifice french fries to the great deity, Pomme.

Save the bones from your meal, and explain that you’re taking them home to your invalid, senile old mother, because it’s a lot cheaper than actually feeding her.

Slide under the table. Take your plate with you.

Speak in pig latin throughout the meal (Or ubber-dubber language, or just nonsense).

Stand up every five minutes, circle your table with your arms outstretched, and make airplane sounds.

Stare at your date’s neck, and grind your teeth audibly.

Take a break, and go into the restroom. When you return to the table, throw a spare pair of underwear on the back of one of the chairs. Insist that they just need airing out.

Take a thermos along, and hide it under the table. Order coffee, and fill the thermos one cup at a time, taking advantage of the free refills.

Twitch spastically. If asked about it, pretend you don’t know what they are talking about.

Undress your date verbally. Use a bullhorn.

Upon entering the restaurant, ask for a seat away from the windows, where you have a you have a good view of all exits, and where you can keep your back to the wall. Act nervous.

When ordering, inquire whether the restaurant has any live food.

Wipe your nose on your date’s sleeve. Twice.

Without asking, eat off your date’s plate. Eat more from their plate than they do.