50 Fun Things for Professors to Do on the First Week of Class
Address students as “worm”.
After confirming everyone’s names on the roll, thank the class for attending “Advanced Astrodynamics 690″ and mention that yesterday was the last day to drop.
After turning on the overhead projector, clutch your chest and scream “MY PACEMAKER!”
Announce “you’ll need this”, and write the suicide prevention hotline number on the board.
Announce that last year’s students have almost finished their class projects.
Announce that the entire 32-volume Encyclopedia Britannica will be required reading for your class. Assign a report on Volume 1, Aardvark through Armenia, for next class.
Announce that you need to deliver two lectures that day, and deliver them in rapid-fire auctioneer style.
Announce to students that their entire grades will be based on a single-question oral final exam. Imply that this could happen at any moment.
Ask for a volunteer for a demonstration. Ask them to fill out a waiver as you put on a lead apron and light a blowtorch.
Ask occasional questions, but mutter “as if you gibbering simps would know” and move on before anyone can answer.
Ask students to call you “Tinkerbell” or “Surfin’ Bird”.
Ask students to list their favorite showtunes on a signup sheet. Criticize their choices and make notes in your grade book.
Ask the class to read Jenkins through Johnson of the local phone book by the next lecture. Vaguely imply that there will be a quiz.
Begin class by smashing the neck off a bottle of vodka, and announce that the lecture’s over when the bottle’s done.
Bring a CPR dummy to class and announce that it will be the teaching assistant for the semester. Assign it an office and office hours.
Bring a small dog to class. Tell the class he’s named “Boogers McGee” and is your “mascot”. Whenever someone asks a question, walk over to the dog and ask it, “What’ll be, McGee?”
Claim to be a chicken. Squat, cluck, and produce eggs at irregular intervals.
Deliver your lecture through a hand puppet. If a student asks you a question directly, say in a high-pitched voice, “The Professor can’t hear you, you’ll have to ask *me*, Winky Willy”.
Devote your math lecture to free verse about your favorite numbers and ask students to “sit back and groove”.
Every so often, freeze in mid sentence and stare off into space for several minutes. After a long, awkward silence, resume your sentence and proceed normally.
Give an opening monologue. Take two minute “commercial breaks” every ten minutes.
Gradually speak softer and softer and then suddenly point to a student and scream YOU! WHAT DID I JUST SAY?”
Growl constantly and address students as “matey”.
Have a band waiting in the corner of the room. When anyone asks a question, have the band start playing and sing an Elvis song.
Have a grad student in a black beret pluck at a bass while you lecture.
Have one of your graduate students sprinkle flower petals ahead of you as you pace back and forth.
If someone asks a question, walk silently over to their seat, hand them your piece of chalk, and ask, “Would YOU like to give the lecture, Mr. Smartypants?”
Inform your English class that they need to know FORTRAN and code all their essays. Deliver a lecture on output format statements.
Jog into class, rip the textbook in half, and scream, “Are you pumped? ARE YOU PUMPED? I CAN’T HEEEEEEAR YOU!”
Mention in passing that you’re wearing rubber underwear.
Pass out dental floss to students and devote the lecture to oral hygiene.
Pick out random students, ask them questions, and time their responses with a stop watch. Record their times in your grade book while muttering “tsk, tsk”.
Point the overhead projector at the class. Demand each student’s name, rank, and serial number.
Refer frequently to students who died while taking your class.
Show a video on medieval torture implements to your calculus class. Giggle throughout it.
Show up to lecture in a ventilated clean suit. Advise students to keep their distance for their own safety and mutter something about “that bug I picked up in the field”.
Sneeze on students in the front row and wipe your nose on your tie.
Sprint from the room in a panic if you hear sirens outside.
Start the lecture by dancing and lip-syncing to James Brown’s “Sex Machine.”
Stop in mid-lecture, frown for a moment, and then ask the class whether your butt looks fat.
Tell students that you’ll fail them if they cheat on exams or “fake the funk”.
Tell your math students that they must do all their work in a base 11 number system. Use a complicated symbol you’ve named after yourself in place of the number 10 and threaten to fail students who don’t use it.
Turn off the lights, play a tape of crickets chirping, and begin singing spirituals.
Use a graduate student to bang cymbals every time your name is mentioned.
Warn students that they should bring a sack lunch to exams.
Wear a “virtual reality” helmet and strange gloves. When someone asks a question, turn in their direction and make throttling motions with your hands.
Wear a feather boa and ask students to call you “Snuggles”.
Wear a hood with one eyehole. Periodically make strange gurgling noises.
Wear a pointed Kaiser helmet and a monocle and carry a riding crop.
Wear mirrored sunglasses and speak only in Turkish. Ignore all questions.
When it finally occurs to the professors, instructors and the administration that the students paid good money for the class, maybe they will finally stop screwing around and teach the subject. Is that so damm difficult? That and attend office hours and take an actual interest in teaching their subject to their students, rather than having a student from last term teach their class for them. It would also be nice if the professors and/or instructors could actually speak English, and when writing on the board write in a fashion that is actually readable.
I would like to see some of these schools actually sued for fraud, bait and switch and a number of other crimes.
dude quit being a bitch. Don’t hate on the professorrs cause you’re an idiot.
Wtf
This is the dumbest and least funny thing I have ever encountered
Omfg thats hilarious….that would be fucking amazing if my teacher did some of that shit lol
I would love it if my teachers did something like this. I’ll even be the stooge grad student to see it done to another class.
dude its a fuckin joke quit bitchin if u dnt find it funny, say nothing and move on, dnt bitch about the topic. holy shit
Photoshopped. Total photoshop. The shadow on the text is all wrong. Nice try though, get a real life.
To “paid for the class”
What would be nice is for the students who “paid” for the class to actually pay attention, maybe read the assigned material before coming to class, and maybe make an effort to learn the material, instead of automatically assuming the professor will somehow jam it in your head. A bit of humor can go a long way. If you use some humor, it can break up what would otherwise be dry and very tough material.
Oh, and try actually stopping by office hours once in a while, and do it sometime other than when you have something to complain about. Pick your profs brain. That is what they are there for.
I have known lots of profs. Most have a genuine love for their subjects. Many get burned out because they get tired of students not being ready for class, not reading the material, and expect that they should automatically get a good grade because they “paid” for the class. What you paid for was an opportunity to learn. Whether or not you do so is up to you. The prof gets paid whether you pass or fail.
Dear Paid. Did you pay good money or did mommy and daddy? Or was it the Pell Grant that paid the money?
If you are not getting anything out of class it is probability because you are not putting anything in. You have no idea the joy of teaching the class for the 10th time to the group of dingleberries in the back row who are here because school is easier than having to work for a living.
Most Prof live for the student who comes by at office hours with a genuine question about the material. This is our passion/profession.
Funny to read, would be even funnier if they actually did that, but only for a short period of time. After a while it gets a bit boring.
The point of teaching (one of them, anyway) is to engage the students. A prof that can’t do that isn’t being effective. Some of these suggestions actually have merit in that regard.
for all who think that professors and instructors are lame and dont have a sense of humor, i can prove that one wrong. i am a grad student from a local college, and was invited back for the IT Academy graduation ceremony for the Microsoft Training course offered there, and the instructor went out and got foam noses for EVERYONE in the class to wear when it was time for the group photo. For those that dont catch the reference, it is from the Movie Patch Adams starring Robin Williams. Granted, he did not have to do it, but it was done in honour of the amount of clowns he has in that class. so before anyone bitches about anything else, when reading the aforementioned list, think of Patch and what he did for the cancer patients.
Holy hell, I’ve got tears rolling down my cheeks.
I thought it was pretty good.
As a matter of fact, I had a calc prof who tucked his shirt into his underwear….he was either doing really dirty things between classes or just a bit off his rocker.
Dear Paid;
You will have a rude awakening in graduate school (if you go), thinking your profs are there to vocally teach you everything.
Starting off with something funny usually sets a good attitude for the rest of the semester…lets students know that you’re a person.
to “Paid Good $$ for the Class”: get a grip!
you
LOL! My goal in life is to be a college professor (teaching equine and animal science), and I love some of these suggestions! The best professors I have are the ones who don’t take themselves, or the class, too seriously. One of my professors burst into song in the middle of class a couple weeks ago. Another one makes constant references to “Dirty Jobs.” Are they amazing? You bet! That’s the kind of professor I want to be. The ones who take things like it’s completely, 100%, has to be serious, are not the fun ones.